A padded room of ones own..

~"If you do not tell the truth about yourself you can not tell it about other people"~ Virginia Woolf

  I was talking to my brother on the phone the other night...when he suggested that I was having a "sort of mid-life crisis". A mid life crisis. Me. Now, I have been accused of many things-called many names.  Most of them good...some of them...well, as this is a family blog-I won't print them here. But a mid life crisis?! Firstly, I am a little bit passed the mid life cutting off point.(48th birthday last week)  Even the spam in my mailbox agrees!- From invites to join AARP to free issues of "As We Change"  they mark me as nearer to my expiration date than somewhere closer to...living. I gleefully pointed this out to my brother...as he is 14 years my SENIOR.  This did  not make him happy (although it gave me much joy) nor did it change his opinion of me. Which is solely based on one recent acquisition.  Chickens. Yes, I am now the proud owner of three chickens.

 Since we moved into this area almost 7 years ago-it has been one of my husbands strongest desires to have chickens.  If we passed any house that had them-and there are many- he would sigh and say "They're allowed to have chickens...everyone is allowed to have chickens but me..."  I could have conceded. Much like I did with our THREE dogs, our big screen t.v. and various other things I have become primary caretaker of. But not this time...You see, Omar didn't want them as pets...he wanted them to eat! "We are not going to eat our pets!" I would exclaim. "Then don't name them." he'd reply. "I can't have chickens living in my yard and not name them!"..."Well, name one of them...we won't eat that one." On and on it went...for years...until finally-I came up with a plan. Quite a good plan if I say so myself. 

  His birthday was two weeks ago-He has had a few rough patches this year...so, I wanted to do something extra special for him. I decided that I would get him his longed for chickens...only, on my terms. I bought a coop and set up a penned in area in our yard. Then, I brought home the three ADORABLE baby chicks...and showed them to the kids. Now, my kids being...kids..were very excited! "Oh Mama! they are so sweet!" "Look at how cute they are!"..."What are you going to name them?".."Well.." I said, "I promised Papa that if we ever got chickens- I would only name one of them." "That means we get to name the other two!!!"..."Well...if you insist."

  The kids met Omar at the door that evening..."Happy birthday Papa! come see your surprise!" As he looked upon the chicks with joy and (sadly) a little bit of....hunger..he said "Hmmm..I think I'll call them "K,F and C."  The kids-not knowing what he meant yelled"But we already named them Papa!" I said "Don't look at me-I only named one." and then I added..."How do you like your new PETS?"  He just laughed and said "I guess we'll be eating a lot of omelets." I guess so too.

  So, I don't see how or even why my brother would call this a  mid-life crisis. In just a few short weeks, our chicks have added so much to our household. (besides poop) They are very social-and that can be calming. If any of us has had a rough day...we just go sit with our fuzzy girls...they just make us feel good..  After this past month, I need all the "good" I can get.

  We just went through "re-evaluation" for Oscar..On the day before my birthday, we went in to hear the results of his testing. Is it just me-or does hearing results like this feel like a part of "Festivus" you know-the "airing of the grievances"? Understand, I in no way look at my son as less because of what he can not do..but in situations like evaluations...it feels as though that is ALL the focus is on. It is hard...and a little bit sad. Not because of what he can't do-but because there is no emphasis on what he CAN do. I feel like he isn't being seen as the whole person that he is. I know that they(evals.) serve a purpose-doesn't mean I have to like how they are done.  My day only went downhill from there.  Tht afternoon, there was a meeting at our school for parents of spec. ed. kids.  Sadly, not enough of us showed up...even sadder? Some of the things that were said. For instance-one person asked why their child did not get homework.  They felt that their child needed to learn that sometimes we all had to do things that we didn't like-because that is how it is in the real world. (meaning when they were employed) The answer she received...well...did you ever have one of those moments where you are just holding yourself together-because you know if you open your mouth...not nice things are going to come out? That was me when I heard "Our kids only do/get jobs that they like. We don't have to worry that they won't want to do the work." WHAT?????  And when I queried as to why we could not discuss autism..i.e. Oscar being the elephant in the room etc. That if a child came in wearing a cast, no one would hesitate to ask them what happened..I was told something along the lines of "Not everyone is as open and accepting about their kids as you are." As if this were a fault. Again, I held myself together...when I wanted to SCREAM "Then why don't we HELP them!! It would make their kids lives a hell of a lot easier..and theirs too!!!" I guess we'll just have to wait till our kids get those really great jobs to change things. Right....and disability isn't a four letter word.

  Thankfully, things have settled down a bit since then.  Oscar's IEP meeting SEEMS to have gone o.k.  Omar and I still have our worries...only time will tell. The kids are all healthy and happy...the chicks are thriving...and Mothers day is on Sunday.  This year I am going to ask for a little time by myself.  I gave up on asking for my own (bath)room years ago.  Although...a padded one might feel nice right about now. All soft and cozy...just me a cup of coffee and a really good book.  Perhaps even a chicken or three..Midlife crisis my backside!  More like old age wisdom..if you ask me...

  

. 

  

NOT so free to be...

“Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” 

― Oscar Wilde

"PINGAS! PINGAS! PINGAS!"  "Oscar could you please stop yelling "Pingas" over and over!"  "But why?" "Because it is really loud and I'm tired of hearing it." "But I'm just being me."..."I understand that..but..it is getting kind of tiring." .."Don't you want me to be me?" "Of course I want you to be you..Could you just do it a little quieter?" ..."But I'm just being me."...*sigh*..

   Next to "pingas"- "I'm just being me" has rapidly grown to become one of Oscar's favorite catch phrases. At the same time, as equally as rapidly-it has become a problem. I blame myself for this. I thought that by giving Oscar these words-it would help him to explain himself and boost his confidence at the same time. When Oscar is anxious or needs to concentrate-he stims. Whether it be rocking in the classroom or flapping on the playground-his stimming serves a purpose. He needs to be able to do this and not be made to feel awkward about it.  Sometimes, Oscar doesn't have the words he needs to express himself. So, if someone should approach him and ask him what he's doing..he can say "Just being me." It seems to be working for him. (although maybe a bit too much) I have used similar words in his defense when trying to explain a choice he is making(picture books over chapter books) or when his brother complains about him watching "baby shows" on t.v. "He is who he is Sam-let it go." The problem is that my wonderful and very smart boy has started to take these words to a whole new level.  A level where any and everything he does is acceptable and requires no responsibility. I on the other hand...beg to differ. Au contraire mon frere! Yes-I gave him these words with the best of intentions...have you heard about the road to hell?  Yup-it is paved with them.

"Oscar! Why did you just go and stick your feet (with new shoes) in that mud puddle?!"  "I was just being me!"

 "OSCAR! Why did you open up your sandwich and rub peanut butter ALL OVER THE TABLE?!"... "I was just being me."

Or my personal favorite...Oscar is well aware that Sam is extremely self conscious at the moment (puberty)..and like the little brother he is...he just loves pushing Sams buttons..."Mama! Could you please tell Oscar to leave me alone!!"  "Why? What is he doing?.."He keeps trying to kiss me and hold my hand!" "Sam...I'm your boyfriend! hahahaha! Kiss me!"  "No Oscar! Stop it!!"  "Pretend we are going on a date! Kiss me! HAHAHAHAHA!"  "Oscar!! Leave your brother alone! He doesn't like that."...."But I'm just being me!"

  Yes, my smart boy has found a loophole...a loophole that I NEED to close!  So...the other night when I was tucking him in I said.."Hey Oscar...you really need to start thinking about some of the "choices" you have been making lately. You know, it is one thing to "be yourself" and it is another to use that as an excuse for doing anything you want."  "What do you mean?"  "Well...you don't get to do anything that you want and excuse it by saying you are "just being me".  It doesn't work that way. O.K.?".."O.K. Mama."..I'm not sure how much of that he got-but we'll keep working on it. Oh yes we will.  As I got up to leave, he looked at me and said.."Hey Mama...." "Yeah?"....He smiled and slowly pointed his finger down..creeping towards his..well..(I'll leave that up to you) gave me a huge grin and  said..."PINGAS!" and burst out laughing...I just shook my head (trying not to laugh-Hey! "pingas" does sound an awful lot like..*cough* you know!) and walked out of the room...He was after all really just being himself....

Autism and awareness at 13...Oh My!

~"Pretty much all the honest truth-telling there is in the world is done by children."~

Oliver Wendell Holmes

*Sigh* It is that time of year again..  Once again, I am being swamped with invitations and promotions..fundraisers...you name it.  It seems that everyone is talking about wearing blue, lighting it up blue...and if it isn't about blue it is about puzzle pieces...April is Autism awareness month. AND once again, I'm being told by people already aware that we need to get together and be more aware so that unaware people will gain awareness. Say that ten times fast. I am not a fan of this yearly event, and I fully expressed my thoughts on this last April.  So..this year, I thought I would do something a little bit different. This year, I'm going right to the source. 

"Hey Sam!?"  "Yeah Mama?" "Come here please...I want to talk to you."  "What?" "I want to interview you."

"For what?".."My blog." "Your blog? O.K!.".."It is gonna be about autism...is that o.k?." "Umm yeah...sure."  "I'm just going to ask you some questions..alright?" .."sure."

Me-"Have you seen those ribbons people wear?  They are either blue or colorful with puzzle pieces on the?"

Sam-"Ribbons?....Oh! yes-yes I have."

Me-"Do you know what they are for?"

Sam-"Not really."

Me-"They are supposed to represent "autism"...next month is autism awareness month."

Sam"What's that?"

Me-"Well..it means that the month is dedicated to making people aware about autism...What do you think about that?"

Sam-"Do you mean "cure it"."

Me-"Maybe some people."

Sam-"Then I don't like it."

Me-"Why?"

Sam-"Because you shouldn't poke around in peoples brains..it might mess them up."

Me-"Yeah...but..well...look at you. You are going to go to college..you will have a career..now Oscar on the other hand might not...and what about Frank? (Frank(changed name) is a boy that we know who is severely affected by autism) Things sometimes seem harder for them.  What do you think we should do for them?

Sam-Hey..they are good guys!  I like them just the way they are!"

Me-"But what do you think we should do for them?"

Sam"We should educate them..make sure they are o.k...it's like that line.."

Me-"Line?'

Sam-"You know..I'm on one part of it..and Oscar is on another?"

Me-"You mean the spectrum."

Sam-"Yes-the spectrum.  Look-just because they are on one place doesn't mean they aren't people! Hey-they might be different..but they are people. They have feelings!"

Me-Hey-I agree with you! 

Sam-"Look-being different is o.k.!"

Me-"It is! I think though..well..I think sometimes different is hard."

Sam"..yeah.."

Me-"You are different from a lot of your friends at school"

Sam-"yeah.."

Me-"Does having autism bother you?"

Sam-"..hhmmm..sometimes?

Me-"Well...tell me what you like about it?"

Sam-"I like how I think. The pictures I see."

Me-"What don't you like?"

Sam-"Well..look-everyone at school is always texting...the guys are all in the hall texting the girls and they are texting back..and I don't understand it..I don't get it. That doesn't interest me.."

(as a side note-I think the world at large texts way too much.  Funny-my kids were taught that they had to TALK to people..and all the people they have been made to talk to- are texting.  Anyone else see the irony here?)

Me-"That's alright..You don't have to be interested....Do you know what the word disability means?"

Sam-"No"

Me"Well..it is like this..if you were blind-you would be considered disabled...because the world in general is built around people who can see.."

Sam-"o.k."

Me-"Well...did you know that autism is considered a disability?" That some of the things that affect you are considered a disability..Like how you don't like to sweat..or..remember when you stopped talking?"

Sam-"I do remember. I couldn't hear what people were saying ..it was like everyone's words sounded all blingglablahblahgla...I could here some words...but mostly it was all mixed up..I used to only see the movies I watched over and over in my head..I knew who you were..but everything was black around me...except for the movies...and then ...do you remember standing on that porch with me?"

Me-"What porch?"

Sam-"It was when we lived in the blue house..I was standing there with you and it was like everything snapped into place..and the movies in my head stopped.

Me"Wow..just..I never knew that."

Sam-"Yeah it was like I got colors back."

Me-"That is really really interesting buddy..wow......does everything sound right now?"

Sam-"Well if people are far away and they talk to me...sometimes the words still get mixed up."

Me-"That is considered a disability..auditory processing disorder.."

Sam-"Look-everyone is on the spectrum"

Me-"what do you mean?"

Sam-"Look, the whole world is a spectrum and we are on it."

Me-"Well...there are adults who as they got to be my age, say that they identify with autism..that maybe they are on the spectrum..."

Sam-"hahahahahahahahahaha.."

Me-"What's so funny?"

Sam-"Why?..Look..it's like biting your tongue and telling people you did...do you get what I'm saying?"

Me"..uummm..No..."

Sam-"Say someone lived inside their house and bit there tongue...and then years later came out and told people they bit there tongue.  What's the point?"

Me-"I..well..I don't know."

Sam-"We are all on the spectrum somewhere..."

Me-"So how do you feel about this whole awareness thing?"

Sam-"Look..it's like that ribbon is a giant monster...and its birthday is in the month of April..and everyone has to celebrate it's birthday or they will be turned into little monsters. Do you get it?"

Me-"Maybe...I have to think about that one.."

Sam-"Alright...can we be done? Can I go on the computer?"

Me-"Yeah...thanks buddy."

Sam-"Sure"

    There is really nothing more that I can add to this.  I believe I will let my sons words stand on their own.  Because they can-and isn't that wonderful?   This week, Sam (much to his delight) surpassed me in height..perhaps he surpassed me in wisdom as well.

 "Out of the mouths of babes oft times come gems..."(prov.)

  

If you care to comment-please remember-this is my son-I would appreciate if you would respect that.

Biting my tongue tripping over memory lane...

~"The past is never dead, it is not even past."  ~William Faulkner 

  "Mama?...Why doesn't Oscar want to play with me?".."Well...why don't you ask him?" "I did..He says he doesn't want to play..he just wants to be on the computer..That's all he ever wants to do!!." "That's not true Sammy-there are plenty of times when Oscar plays with you.."I know but I just wish he wanted to play more!" "I know bud." "I just don't know why he doesn't act like me!!" "Because he acts like him!"  "Why?!" .."Well...what do you mean?" "He's always watching the same things and yelling out the same words and laughing." "Yeah...?" "Well why does he do that?" "I..well..I don't know...you know, it wouldn't hurt to ask?"
  "Hey Oscar"..."Yes Mama?" "Why do you keep yelling the word "pingus" and laughing?" "It's "Robotnics-the last pingus vendor....from YouTube."  "So why do you yell the word "pingus" over and over and laugh?" "Because it's funny."..."But WHY is it funny?"..."Because it is from "Robotnics"..."And?????" "It's funny" Well,  I guess that will just have to do-explanation wise. Oscar struggles with "W' kinds of questions. (when, why, who, what)  So I'll just to have to take his explanation at face value...and really, after hearing him rewind the YouTube video (to that particular word) fifty million times..and then yelling "Pingus" over and over and laughing...it does start to sound funny..Or I have just lost my mind...It has been a difficult time here at chez Herd lately..

  With Oscar going through so much (new school next year, changes in routine, difficulty concentrating,...) we decided to have another evaluation done.  He's a great kid (always) who is capable of so many things-sometimes. *SIGH*  Sometimes meaning that he can do something on one day-and on another..it's like he draws a blank. He will learn something new..and the next day-forget how to do it...only to be able to do it again days later. This has been a HUGE challenge for the people who work with him.  They, like me-don't want to push him into doing things he is just unable to do.  But, at the same time..we don't want to not push simply because he isn't interested in trying at the moment. Oscar struggles.. with sensory issues, self expression..pragmatic language...and sometimes...sometimes he's just lazy. Hey-he is an eleven year old boy first and foremost!   It's the separating of the boy from the disability that we are all having trouble with..(school wise) Thus the new evaluation...

  Two weeks ago we had our first appointment. As I sat in the waiting room, I couldn't help but remember the first time we had done this(seven years ago-with Oscar).  We knew that he was on the spectrum.. What we didn't know was how to help him. We were really hoping to get some answers. Which we did-sort of.  The team of diagnosticians were very nice-they weren't exactly jumping in with advice...we were told "We only do the diagnosis..we don't involve ourselves with schools, services or planning"..in other words "Here's your diagnosis-don't let the door slap you in the ass on the way out.". It was terrifying. What should we do-how should we do it?  This was our boy-and we hadn't a clue as to how to help him. *sigh*   There was nothing for us to do except to  muddle through the best that we could.  I look at our boy-our beautiful son seven years later-and think we might have done alright by him. He is wonderful and funny and just joyful. Really, there aren't enough adjectives to describe the incredibleness(made that one up) that he is.. So as I sat in that waiting room, I thought to myself.."This time-this time will be different..this time we know what we are talking about..we know what questions to ask..this time we will get some answers-we will make things right for him.."

  The pediatrician was a very nice woman who had a lot to say.  A lot. She introduced herself to Oscar...and then she sent him to the play area so that we could talk..and talk she did.. "So, you wrote that you had concerns over anxiety and that he is easily distracted." "Yes." And off she went-hardly letting us get a word in edgewise-punctuating all of her points with a smile..Like she was giving us friendly advice but was afraid to offend.   She said things like "ADHD can be co-morbid with autism...do you know what co-morbid means?"(smile).."Yes, we do".."Well, co-morbid means...blah blah blah..."(smile)..I bit my tongue.
"So, he doesn't like to try different foods?".."No..he will try something new-but always says he doesn't like it".."You know, you have to make him try new foods..blah blah blah..(smile)." I bit my tongue.
 "I see that he doesn't like to leave the house".."No-he really doesn't, unless it something he likes to do." Omar at this point discussed what we do when we go out out.had she listened, she would have heard all the things that Oscar does-on his own-in the world...but instead.."Well-he HAS to go out and do things! (smile)I bit my tongue...how do you expect him to be an adult in the world if you don't make him have new experiences(smile)(my tongue is starting to hurt)..maybe he would work better with someone else(smile)(my poor tongue)...Who do you have to support you?  "Each other"  "You don't have support? Why isn't he in a social group? You really ought to consider a home aide who will bring him places and make him try new things(smile)(my tongue really hurts now)..he probably would go out and do things with someone other than his parent..and really..you can't possibly do it all."(BIG smile)(I am close to biting my tongue in half)
   We just sat there and let her go on..let her tell us how important discussing puberty with someone on the spectrum was..Not that she paid any attention on how we have already gone through this with our other son ON THE SPECTRUM..(who by the way- is quite proud of his arm pit hair)..She was so full of....herself knowledge and information..I think she might have exploded had we not let her just empty herself of words. I say that with a big grin. It isn't like she actually listened to what we were saying.  Really, she could just tape record herself speaking-leaving a blank where you could insert your child's name.  I think I might lay the blame at our regular pediatricians feet for this.  He had told her that we were knowledgeable-well informed..I think she took that to mean "know it alls"and had to prove through incessant talking that she knew MORE...or maybe she just likes the sound of her voice.  Either way, it was a huge let down.

  As we were walking out to leave, carrying a huge pile of forms to fill out and gigantic headaches..she called out "I'll send you information on puberty in the mail"(smile)(I may have severed an artery in my tongue) We just nodded our thanks and left. I think that we both felt a bit deflated.

   We had gone in with such high expectations..On the way home, I said to Omar.(which was hard- remember my tongue)."You know, all this would have been great seven years ago.." he said.."Lets just get through the rest of it...we'll take any information that will help Oscar and just ignore the other stuff".(.My Omar is a smart guy).  Our next appointment is in two weeks.This time she will work with Oscar.  I hope that she see's the person that he is..how much he has accomplished...how hard he tries.  I hope that she lets him get a word in edgewise.  I swear if she doesn't-I'm just going to look at her and yell "Pingus!" and laugh hysterically while I of course...smile.  My tongue should be healed by then.

Ask Kissing...

~"I tell you the past is a bucket of ashes"~Carl Sandburg

           "Mama?"..Yeah?"..."Can I go on the computer?".."Well you have to pay me first..." Sometimes-whoever is asking, will reach into their pocket and pretend to pull out money.."I don't see any money".."MAMA!".."Well, I don't.." "But I don't HAVE any money!".."Well then how are you gonna pay me?" "Can I give you a hug?".."Now THAT works for me."  You would think they would know by now..especially as both Omar and myself have been demanding "payment" since...well....forever.  Hey-it isn't like we're asking them to clean the bathroom or anything...It's just that sometimes..sometimes it just feels like days slip by..always so full of whatever needs to be done..that I just want to take a moment..a second to stop and just hug my kids.  If I occasionally have to manipulate the situation in order to get one-so be it. Don't get me wrong, it isn't that my kids aren't affectionate-they are. I do get plenty of unprompted hugs.   It's just that they are growing up way too fast (or at least it feels that way-although there are days when it doesn't feel fast enough)-and I know that there will be a time when  getting hugs won't be so easy. So I'm grabbing as many as I can while the gettings good. It is kind of like hoarding-only prettier (no trash or dead animals).

  Just a few short years ago, Sam declared that he wouldn't go to college without his brother, their bunk bed, and his toy castles.  Now he talks about moving to California, making movies and sometimes (depending on the day)...putting me in a home so that he can "do whatever he wants". "You want to put me in a home?"..."Yup".."Well wouldn't you miss me?" "I can always visit." Go to admit-there are days when that actually sounds kind of...relaxing.  Well..as long as it was a nice home..with perhaps an ocean view, unlimited coffee and good books to read..But I digress...The thing of it is-the older my kids get-the faster they seem to grow. Does that make sense?  In the baby years-I thought that the only thing getting older was..well, me. I felt as if I were living in an endless cycle of filling juice cups, changing diapers, getting snacks and looking for the t.v. remote-(Sisyphus-mother style) ..I never imagined (I was too tired) that there would be a day when none of that would be necessary.( Except for finding the remote-THAT is still an issue.)  So I am trying to make every moment count-while at the same time encouraging them to move out grow up.  The only one really having trouble with this is Oscar.

  Oscar hates loathes doesn't really care for change. Unfortunately, the last two years have been over full of it.  My boy has always had more than his fair share of anxiety,way more- and we have always tried to work our way around it.  Finding things to lessen it-make sure he had some breathing room. But lately..lately it seems that all he does is try to hold himself together-almost to the exclusion of anything else.Trying to find solace in whatever he can to keep himself together.  Stimming, pacing...even the dreaded "Thomas the Tank engine" -something I hoped had thought we were well rid of years ago. I remember back then-when he watched it obsessively..it was all Thomas ALL the time..if he wasn't watching-he was carrying (or flushing down the toilet) one of the trains-or looking at the books.(to this day-I still know all the words to all the songs)  I had asked him once "Why Thomas? Why all the time??!!" "WHY?" and he simply said "They have no worries." They have no worries...*sigh*  my boy is FULL of worry. He isn't ready for his brother to talk about leaving home (even if it is years away) he's not ready to deal with moving to the middle school next year, he's not ready to deal with adolescence-because in his head-growing up means leaving home-and he is just not ready for that(even though we explain that he doesn't ever have to leave-but that he may WANT to-and that this decision is years and years away).  But too him-his constants no longer feel constant and he is afraid. So the best we can do (for right this moment) is to muddle on through..and give him as much love and support as we can. I KNOW that he will get through this..it's watching him do it that hurts.*sigh* Sometimes this part of parenting(the watching kind)  can just...well...suck.  Is it a wonder that I try to grab/give as much affection as I can? 

  I have to say though-even with all of his worries..Oscar never loses his sense of humor. The other night, I was walking past the bathroom as he was clipping his nails. "Hey Mama"..."Hey bud.." "Can I go on the computer?".."Well you can if you pay me." he walked out of the bathroom (I thought to give me a hug) and said  "Sure. Here you go."..he opened my hand and put his nail clippings in it...laughed and walked away.

Who's afraid of the big bad cookie.....

~"Any mother could perform the jobs of several air traffic controllers with ease." ~Lisa Alther 

                I was considering returning to the work force last September when the herd started back in school.  The problem was that I didn't know what I wanted to do. You see, I haven't been gainfully employed in over thirteen years.  And even then-the work that I had was "interesting".  In other words-not your typical kind of job.(unless you count dressing as a giant costumed character-or posing for artists as typical)  Back then, my father liked to say to me (a lot) "Kid" (he called me kid because me being the youngest of six-he often forgot my name...although, he sometimes also called me "Pinky", which was the name of one of our cats that he didn't forget...hhmmmm...)..Anyway, he'd look at me and say-"Kid-you just don't have any skills." Now in my humble opinion-this simply was not true!  I had/have skills-wonderful skills-mad skills!  It's just that..well, they just aren't the kind of skills that are appreciated by most employers. Truth is-I am not very good at regular jobs.  I am awful at answering phones, math, sitting still, computers-and forget any type of office machine! I once had a job that required me to make photocopies. For some reason-I could never get the machine to work correctly. I can't tell you(or maybe I'm just embarrassed to)  how many nights that I snuck out of work (didn't want to get fired) with hundreds of sheets of misprinted papers stuffed in my back pockets. So many that I literally looked like a Kardashian-at least from behind..

   No, give me an irregular job any day-and I will floor you with my skills.  Sadly, irregular jobs seem to be few and far between. Unless of course you count motherhood. Which truly is an odd job-only you don't get paid.  Oh I know..there are many who would say "But you are paid in love!!" First of all...yuck, and second- Yup-I am..absolutely..sometimes even over paid..but you know, it would be nice to maybe occasionally get some cash or even a gift card for a job well done. Not that I'm complaining-really, I'm not.  I guess I'm just tired of" bringing home the bacon"-literally.

  Back in September, I thought that I would have lots of free time.  The herd are all (finally) full time students-I should have hours and hours of "spare" time. Right?..*sigh* wrong.  They are getting older now-and it is time to start gently pushing nudging them into the world.  This year, three of them are involved in extracurricular activities. The girls are in scouts, Sam is playing on the basketball team...and Oscar?  Well, I haven't quite found a fit for him YET. Although, I did try to start a social group for parents of special needs kids. Something where we could get our kids together and do things. But the story behind that not happening is post for another day.

  These extra activities haven't really been too stressful.  It has just been a matter of getting the right kids to the right places at the right time. They mostly like being forced out of leaving the house-or rather the computer and t.v...and it has been fun for them-me too. (at least after the initial game of" where are your shoes?!" or jackets, gloves, socks, shorts...and one time-clothes)  But, things have taken a dark turn-and  it has come in the form of cookies. Yes, it is THAT time of year-the time when you are approached by young girls looking hopeful while clutching crumpled order forms to their chests-followed closely by steely eyed parents just daring you to say "no thanks." Yup-it's Girls scout cookie time-and I am in so much trouble.

  Both of my girls are selling cookies. Both of my girls need to sell one hundred boxes in order to earn a badge. Both of girls are thrilled at the idea of selling cookies-it is the actual doing that stumps them. Even though we have been given valuable tips on how to sell them...You know, the usual- "Stay safe" "don't go into houses" or my personal favorite "have your parents sell them at work!" (Kind of hard when you are a stay at home mother. I mean I'm sure I could interest my dogs in them-but they don't have any money...that I know of.)   All of these "tips" and "advice" really  translate to "Get your parents to come with you/or/do all the work."... in the case of my girls-"Get your mother to sell them." *sigh*  Have I mentioned that I am also horrible at sales?

Me "Hey-how are you?"

Other Parent-"Great.  How are the kids?"

Me-"They are really doing well this year.  The girls are in scouts."

Other parent-"That's great! How do they like it."

Me-"So far so good. You know they are selling cookies."

Other parent-(looking everywhere but at me) Oh....yeah..um..well..."

I know that this is when I should go in for the hard sell..that this is the time to remind them that I have bought  every cookie, nut, magazine that their child has ever sold. That the money from these sales really does go to good causes..that I am desperate....but instead..

Me-"Hey it was good seeing you.."

  I'll say it again- I stink at sales.  I am not comfortable asking people to buy things-even if it is for a good cause. It just makes me anxious-as does observing people looking away quickly when they see me coming. Which leaves me wondering how are my girls (who am I kidding-how am I) going to get rid of  sell seven hundred dollars worth of cookies? I have really been working on this-and have finally come to this conclusion.   Like it or not-Omar is going to be selling a lot of cookies at work tomorrow. Now THAT is what I call "problem solving." No skills-indeed! Seems that motherhood has made me a whiz at delegating.  I just have to figure out how to make this work on a resume...

   

  

Visions from egg nog dance through my head...

~"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukka' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukka!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'~Dave Barry

Last Christmas, as lay sprawled among the wreckage of wrapping paper and boxes I thought to myself -"Next year will be so much easier"... All of the kids will be in school full time..I will be able to leisurely shop, wrap and bake while fully(and fashionably) dressed with combed hair in a sparkly clean house... I will send Christmas cards and packages- EARLY!..In the evenings, I will greet my husband at the door with a cocktail and a "Darling-how was your day?" and as I sashayed into the kitchen to check on the roast.. my angelic children (washed and in clean pajamas) would gleefully announce(for some reason in British accents) "Oh Mummy..Father's come home!" Later on, after the children were tucked into their beds...we would sit in front of the fire sipping eggnog...just enjoying each others company. 

  I have absolutely no idea where this fantasy came from.  I blame the egg nog.   I mean, I don't even have a fireplace!  I certainly don't know how to sashay..and at the end of the day-I'm just happy that Omar is home and I have another adult to talk to. I have been alone-with children..for hours-..so if anyone is going to get a cocktail it will be me. Especially after getting the kids (well, really just the girls) to put on their pajamas-something which can take mediation skills and intense negotiation. (Although, it is very good training if I should ever find myself in a hostage crisis)  So, when the kids finally do get to bed-we both kind of collapse on the couch together..

  No, holidays at my house are chaotic events. ALWAYS.  That is just the nature of things.  Although, I did start the month off with a clean house. There is something to be said for that.  I don't know "what" exactly ...but something.  Unfortunately, by the third of the month, it was a mess...and has remained that way ever since. I have tried to keep up...you know-moving piles of things from one place to another...but the next day more stuff seems to magically appear to take its place..until I find myself cramming things in drawers and closets..that I swear I am going to clean out "once the holiday is over".  But I never do. No-I just keep cramming more stuff in them. Some of my cabinets are packed so precariously (I wouldn't be surprised if there were a fifth child stuffed somewhere in there)-that I have developed actual techniques of how to open and get them to shut again-without (hardly) anything falling on my head. But I digress...

  The month of December started with a clean house...but then Zoe got sick...and then Lily...and then Oscar..and Sam..and Oscar again.( Thankfully, they are all hale and hearty now-just in time for school break.) Having sick kids at home meant I could not Christmas shop very easily. Oh-I got it done..but it was very rushed.  Thankfully, I had their Christmas lists to guide me.  Lists that they start writing in June.(Only because there are times when I need a moment to think-and this can occupy them for a whole five minutes).   The girls wanted every Littlest Pet Shop...Oscar-every Angry Bird..and Sam...well, his list was 32 very detailed items long...which, he informed me was only half of what he wanted. Don't get me wrong-my kids aren't demanding..nor are they spoiled. This is the one time of year that we go all out with gifts.  They do appreciate it...although they think that Santa is their benefactor (except for Sam) . Which can make for some interesting conversations.."Mama, I'm asking for a new Nintendo 3D for Christmas." "Well..remember, you don't get everything on your list...and those are kind of expensive." "Well..I think I'm going to get one." "I wouldn't count on it..they are expensive." "So. It is from Santa..he just has to make one..it doesn't cost anything."  *sigh* Kind of hard to argue a fantasy that you have thoroughly encouraged.  "Well..we will just have to wait and see.."

  Besides shopping, we have had many extracurricular activities.  I have had meetings and appointments and my girls have had scouting. This year, both of them decided to join Girl Scouts.   This month, besides their regular girl scout meetings...there was the Christmas party( and the singing to the seniors.  Maybe it is just me...alright, I KNOW it is just me-but, when I think about being elderly..the last thing I would want is 20 or more young girls singing loudly at me. VERY loudly about red nosed reindeer..and Santa..or the weather. To me, it feels almost like..well, punishment. As if we are saying "we had no place else to sing and you can't run away- ha ha!"  I must say, the people did seem to enjoy it...although, I suspect many of them took out their hearing aids beforehand. 

  We also did quite a lot of baking. I thought it would be a good way to teach measurements and how to follow a recipe.  I wound up doing the majority of it as my kids ran screeching through the house pumped full of sugar.( Sometimes I think that they would make a wonderful alternative fuel source. Feed them lots of sugar and then put them on a treadmill-which would be connected to a generator. Voila! The worlds energy problems would be solved.)  They did enjoy decorating the cookies-between bouts of sugar induced hysteria.  I was left with all the broken ones. I think I did a nice job. 

  So here it is..Christmas Eve.  The tree is up, the presents are wrapped..the house is a mess (I'll clean it after the holidays) and my children are insane excited. It certainly didn't happen the way I fantasized it last year. But that's o.k. because there is always next year-and besides, I have plenty of egg nog.  

  

  

  

To everyone-no matter what you may celebrate-I wish you all happiness and peace.  "May the road rise to meet you-and may the wind always be at your back." (from The Irish Prayer)